I’ve had a really fucked up past few months! Not gonna lie! I lost my mom suddenly last October to cancer and it happened so quick that I don’t think my mind, body, and soul even had time to process it.
It was sort of like… What just happened, come back home and get right back into the swing of things.
I think that was ok the first few months. I think maybe I thought I dealt with it or was dealing with it… Honestly, I really don’t know. I don’t even think I can explain how I felt.
After the holidays, the New Year rolled around and then something hit me like a ton of bricks. I became disconnected from my business (which I love), my relationships (which I cherish), my passions (I have a lot), and life in general (I love life).
This brought up a lot of fear, resentment, and judgment. I didn’t understand. I have people that relay on me, and I couldn’t even show up for myself… Let alone for anyone else.
Instead I wanted to sleep, party, overeat, cry, and just be sad and angry. Everything I love to do was taking so much effort. Working out, connecting with people, my meditation practice, personal development, my sleep and nutrition.
Although… I was still doing all these things… They didn’t have the same meaning or feeling. Everything was flat. I felt numb. I felt out of sorts. Almost like I was having an out of body experience half the time. I truly didn’t even feel like myself.
I know I forced myself to do things that were always part of my daily routine, and I’m glad I did. I say this because it’s easy to give up on the things that make us feel great (wellness, nutrition, yoga, meditation, family time, etc.) in a time of loss or sadness.
It’s easy to not want to push play, sleep all day, cry all night and blame everyone else for your problems. I was creating these toxic patterns that personally took me years to get over and felt like I was spinning out of control. I felt scared!
From the outside you probably wouldn’t have noticed, but on the inside I was crumbling. Last week I had a massive meltdown and it sort of freaked me out… But it also made me feel free. All of these feelings I had experienced the past few months, all the unhealthy things I had been doing to myself… All finally made sense.
This is how I was grieving!! This is how I was supposed to move through this process!! With ease, compassion, love, understanding, and NO judgment!! There is no right or wrong. No magic pill. No perfect science. It’s a PROCESS!! Your process.
I have to say the past four months not everything has been bad. I’ve had some pretty amazing experiences. From feeling the presence of my mom over and over, to vivid dreams, to some intense meditation practices.
I’m thankful to have amazing people in my life. I feel loved. I feel supported. I feel fearless and free.
Unfortunately, we will all have to deal with loss or death at some point. My only advice is to grieve how YOU want to.
This roller coaster of emotions might go away soon, OR it might be here for a while. I’m not going to force anything. I’m going to take time to feel everything.
Honor your own experience, on your own terms, and love yourself through every minute of it.
To living Healthy, Fearless, & Free!
Until next time…
Love & Gratitude,